On the Value of Love vs. Cooking

Hi Deb,
I've never been able to quite let go of the things you said it seems. It sounded so uncivilized. I have a sense that between feminism, your son, a failed marriage, a modern Ph.D., liberal Manhattan, and your natural maternal exuberance about a successful career, that you've gotten yourself all confused. As I recall you said, essentially, relationships should not be viewed as permanent; that one might legitimately leave to study cooking in France or religion in the Far East. This simply means that you consider cooking a value equal to love. If one defines things this way then we'd have a world far different that the one we have wouldn't we? We'd have a marriage ceremony which said, not, "until death do you part," but instead, "until cooking do you part; which may well happen tomorrow." I don't imagine that many people would find that a plausible basis for civilization. I think you chose cooking and religion over another sexual partner because that would have sounded cold even by your standards, although surely it must be included in your definition of the things that might legitimately end a relationship? I wonder if the tenuous connection you describe between a mother and father should be extended to other relationships. For example, might I say to my dying mother: I'm going to cooking school in France and you'll just have to soldier on here until you die sick, alone and poor. Perhaps the State will take care of you unless they too decide they have other more important priorities? Or I wonder if I can say to my son, "sorry I'm going to Japan to study religion and yes its going to cost a lot so you'll just have to work out the whole college thing by yourself. A bank loan might work but then again there aren't many long term contracts around of any kind anymore because people need to be free of such things so its not good business and besides, why start a long term commitment to college anyway when you may change your mind." Or, might I say to a business partner. "I'm leaving and I want half the assets to finance my cooking study? Who would make the better son, husband, father, bureaucrat, business partner: the flake or the person who knew where he was going? It seems to me that love obviously implies permanence; at the very least because kids want to be and need to be loved permanently. What meaning would I love have if a wife or a child worried that Dad might not come home that night. Love means that you're going home I'm afraid. If its just an option then it means nothing. A desirable woman would just move on until she found a man for whom love genuinely meant that he was coming home to support her and her child for as long as she needed them. This is the course of human evolution and perhaps is the main reason why we have evolved so far beyond our animal competitors. I hope that's helpful :-)ted